It's all going a little down hill...

I guess no one reads this blog anymore. So.. I guess I'm free to type what I please and expect little repurcussion.

Oh I know who may eventually open up this link to take a look. But the way I see it, I don't think I really mind. I've always tried to lead my life like an open book anyway. Open as much as possible only so that people other than myself are not talked about.

Then again... why don't I?

So I'm stuck here in this little college and everyone is telling me to get out. The place is killing me. The place is a bad influence. I've been here too long, etc etc etc etc. Maybe they're right and I have been here too long and I am slowly dying inside.

But - what I think is that if I weren't here, I'd be dying anyway.

I don't like many things about my life. I know I don't lead a particularly bad life. How could I say that knowing that there is so much worse out there? So when I feel bad about it I feel bad about feeling bad about it. And round and round in a downward spiral. It seems that everyone has grown up and little Vong is still taking his time to finally mature. Maybe - I have always been scared of being immature.

I have learnt some scary things this year about what others think of me. I have learnt of people who do not like me. I have learnt about things people have said about me behind my back. I don't know what brings this about. I know these people and I know others have done worse to them than I have. A lot worse. I for my part have always tried to be honorable. I fail here and there. But I challenge anyone to say they don't. Still... they say things about me. And it saddens me.

I have lost myself as well. I no longer know who or what I am. I have no real mission. No goals no visions. I'm biding my time and being bitter about it. We don't have a lot of time all of us. For some reason I am beginning to get a sense of my mortality. There are many times I feel age, youth and time running through my fingers like sand. Flowing in great unstoppable quantities. I know I'm out of time to experience certain things. And I regret it. I regret a lot. Some people say you should have no regrets. But I think they were lying to themselves. We do that a lot don't we.

I don't know my God anymore. I can't hear him speak and I'm not trying. I know he is real. I mean, I've encountered a demon before. A nasty experience. I still get the creeps just thinking about it. So I should know shouldn't I? I don't. Apparently, seeing isn't believing. But I don't see things anymore. I don't hear any more connections from God or from anything else. It's gone. Not because it isn't there. It's because I can't be bothered looking for it anymore. And because of that, it doens't concern itself with me anymore. Am I crazy? If I was... not anymore.

I still don't have a girlfriend. It's been years. I've been rejected a lot of times. I can see myself turnig more and more desperate. I know I am. It's sad and scary. No one really cares about that though. Everyone tells me it's fine and that eventually I'll get one forever and ever. Or they tell me I should stay single because relationships are evil. I don't care anymore about what they say... I'm just silly to them. Immature. Silly. It gets to me though. And no one I talk to really understands. And those that might understand, we pretend ot each other we don't. We're silly that way.

I don't know. It's all going down hill. Slowly. Reality is beginning to come away at its edges for me. I'm losing grip of everything. It's like the colours of the world are beginning to sap away. Leaving a blank grey. There is no real rest to be found. There is escapism. By day dreaming and talking crap with people and laughing so hard because there is no other way to respond to things. A hollow laughter. The kind if you know how to listen for it makes you want to cry. There is no rest. Not in sleep. Not in friends. Not anywhere. There is only running away and the dead knowledge that you know you cannot run forever.

I can't cry either. I haven't cried for 7 years now. I've wanted to. That feeling of your chest being tightened as though some screw was being cruelly turned. You'll be surprised how much it will turn without getting a tear in your eye. But then - crying is just like being upset you don't have a girlfriend - silly. Immature.

I wish I could cry. They say it's like rain. Once it's over the pressure from the world has lifted.

But I can't.

Something has to give.

At some point.

I think it'll be me.

I don't know. I can't trust myself anymore. There is nothing solid anymore. They all left in a swirling madness of colour. And now those shifting colours are turning to grey. nights are the hardest...

Night is the time when the walls start to close in.

It's not darkness that scares me.

It's emptiness. Vacuousness. And loneliness.